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[08 Jun 2009|02:59am] |
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mood |
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fucking sad, man. |
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music |
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can you hear me? |
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5/18/09
’sixteen, maybe less’ – calexico & iron & wine.
‘my little bee’ – minipop.
It’s almost four months since you died. I was talking to Tom today about mom and dad and their problems and mine and yours. I didn't get choked up spitting out secrets -- how dad helped feed your addiction. I didn’t fall apart spilling my soul. It wasn’t until later tonight: we were watching a movie on the couch/”sleeping” together and I thought about the video store in Alameda. How we’d wander around looking for something to rent. Wondering what movie’s you’d be holding then, when we were so young and different. I can’t help but feel so sorry for you, I don’t know why. I shouldn’t. You’re a person like me. The last thing I’d want is for someone to feel sorry for me even if I died (and lived) tragically. I’m still mad at my mom for so much. I still feel like we were so deprived when I should be grateful. I’m mad that she’s hard on dad. I’m mad that she takes advantage. I’m mad she never made me talk, never made me get out there, never told me what was up. These horrible horrible thoughts keep happening – these thoughts that leave me crying about you, about me, about the fucking cocker spaniel I loved so much who died in the freezing cold Sonora weather, because my mom just didn’t want her in the house anymore. This new dog is here and my mom treats her like a child. I feel like the other child sometimes, selfish stupid feelings. Like now she needs me. Now that she has nothing – no boyfriend, no son, no house or job, now she wants me to talk, wants to hear what I have to say, wants me to spill my guts for everyone because it’ll make her feel better. she thinks it’ll make me feel better, that I’m so trapped up and I just want to scream "IT’S YOUR FAULT I’M THIS WAY", but I can’t. I know her, I know she’s a really great friend to people, she’s loyal and open with them, I know she’s great with little kids, she’s a good cook, she takes care of people. I want to be her friend. But I don’t want to talk. I don’t want to have mother/daughter conversations about my feelings because I’m eternally pissed – I feel like she doesn’t deserve it. because she blew me off when I needed it, because she didn’t try harder, because she was selfish.
But everyone’s selfish, and some people have it so much worse. and I am grateful. I am grateful.
I am grateful.
This whole conversation turned to me and not you. You’d be giving me shit right now for saying these things about her. You’d be really disgusted and disappointed in me for this.
There’s this picture of that cocker spaniel sitting on top of my tv right now. She’s running towards me on our old hardwood floors. When I see that picture, I imagine it as a movie. A camera fixed on that spot on the floor. And I see your barefeet walking into the kitchen, I see mine, I see mud tracked in, your old dirty Vans, I see her grey socks, I see the cat creeping around, laying down, I see the flags and brooms falling out of that closet onto the floor, I see it, I see me - laying on the cold floor. It’s all moving quickly, like we pressed the fast forward. And we did. And people die and dogs die. And people (like me) can hold these grudges for years. They can hold it all inside and explode (like I’m doing right now). We can all make excuses. We can all put off the future, the truth, we can sit around complaining and crying to ourselves until the next person dies and then do it again. We can regret. We will.
Tom said this, “It’s going to be sad forever. It will never not be sad that he (you) died.” But you can cry and cry forever or you can get on with your life. I’m trying. I’m trying. I’m grateful, I am.
There you are, sitting at the table with me on family holidays at nana’s. Eating canned olives and ham slices. You’re there, opening presents with me. I really got you some good shit this year. You’re there watching 'A Christmas Story' with me, laughing hard, walking to school with me, the football games in Newman, remember those? We’re there, separately, together, my friends, yours, one year older than me, I have a brother, I’ve got one brother, he lives in California, he’s one year older than me.
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[02 Apr 2009|05:55pm] |
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music |
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"anthems for a 17 year old girl" - broken social scene. |
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remember when we had that conversation about hating our last name? i never wanted to say my full name. and you said no girl would want to marry you with a name like "sharp". we thought it was so dumb.
i'm proud of you. i wish i could tell you how many people love the name. my friends are always talking about it. i wish i could tell you that tom's last name is barbour (barber). and how we laughed that i'd be mrs. sharp barber.
i wish i could tell you how people, friends of mine, have gone to parties calling themselves by our last name. "robert sharp". because it sounded so professional. i wish i could tell you i bought army of darkness today. i wish i could tell you about the other movies i wanted to buy but didn't. the ones we watched at 456 6th street. big, captain ron, bill and ted's excellent adventure. things that would make you laugh. the neverending story. things that would make you cry, like that part in the coheed and cambria song. like that part in neverending story where the horse sinks in the quicksand.
i feel like such a loser. our memories consist of movies, drinking, music. no actual events. parties maybe. nothing out of this world. slip and slides in the backyard. the ducks.
i don't do anything. i'm getting more and more livid at myself for living this life. actually, wasting this life i could be living.
i texted dad last night, telling him how much i love him for taking such good care of me, you, nana. how he does everything he can for us. he texted back with "i will go to work a happy dad tonight. that was the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me."
i know how proud you'd be of me for that. for finally appreciating him. for finally realizing who the fuck is there for me.
he's you. i'm him. you're me.
i love us. i wish the fucking world for us.
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[23 Mar 2009|08:59pm] |
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music |
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"family business" - kanye west. |
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Dear Alex,
Yesterday was a rough day without you. I was doing pretty well at first. I woke up and went to New Seasons to get some coffee and study for my finals. As I’m walking to my car after, I noticed a white Lumina parked right next to mine, just like the one you used to drive when you lived up here. You weren’t in it. You weren’t meeting me for coffee or food, you weren’t in Oregon again, it wasn’t all a joke on me.
Something about it sitting there, empty, with some other person’s shit in it. I spent the rest of the day listening to a list of sad songs, alone in my apartment. I could see you here: you opening my fridge to grab a drink, you sitting at the end of my kitchen table eating vegetable rolls with mayo, you laying on my couch watching movies or sleeping, you going to McDonald’s with Tom because you can’t stand anymore of my health food, you standing on my porch smoking a cigarette and putting it out in a candle.
And those were just things in my apartment, this one I live in now. I’ve only lived here for 9 months or something. But you were here, hanging out with me. Eventually I won’t live here anymore. I’ll live somewhere you’ve never been or will be. I won’t be able to hug the air where you stood and remember that you were exactly there. It seems like I could reach out and grab those days because they were so recent.
I sit up every night, documenting every single moment I can remember. I close my eyes and replay everything from our three old houses, to our middle school, to the trips we took to Safeway. I look at the walls behind my closed eyes, I look at the carpets, the piano in the hall. If it verbally makes sense, I write it down in a panic. Because what if it all disappears? What if I forget all about it? What if I forget all about you?
I still have things around: presents you gave me, a shirt or two I stole from you, a playlist on my computer I meant to burn for you, three books you left at grandma’s that I meant to read. I keep thinking about all of the stuff you owned, sitting around in the different houses and places you lived; your clothes lying in piles. Clothes you won’t fill up anymore. You won’t get pissed at me when you come over and find your stuff at my house, your CDs and clothes and books. You won’t get pissed because you won’t come over to my new places.
This is going to happen to everyone. This is going to happen to me. All my stuff will sit on earth and I will leave it. All the stuff I stress over and spend money on. And it makes you really wonder what the point is, anyway.
If I could get you in my apartment one last time, I would show you these songs. I wouldn’t sit around and drink and cry. I’d sit around and drink and laugh with you. I’d bicker with you. I’d eat some McDonald’s with you.
can you see me here, behind this screen? like i see you.
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[18 Mar 2009|07:40pm] |
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music |
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"pittsfield" - sufjan stevens. |
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in the spirit of my brother, and in the spirit of me.
my to do list for the next few months:
attend a portland show.
buy a bottle of wine for at least 100$
massages massages massages.
hikes hikes hikes.
save the money i'm not spending on this list.
eat as many plants as i possibly can - leaves and leaves of lettuce.
spill more of my soul to my boyfriend - at least 4 secrets.
find the sun and soak in it. i know it's around here somewhere.
buy a bike and ride it consistently.
get a new job.
hold the tiniest baby i can find.
document it all.
i feel like utter shit. i let everything go sometimes.
i don't have enough time or money or health to be wasting it like i do.
i will not have a heart attack.
i will not become a statistic.
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[10 Mar 2009|08:50pm] |
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music |
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"take cover" - acceptance. |
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it's been hard as fuck to not black myself out every night. sitting in my bed in the haunting light of the laptop screen. i want a drink. i'm 10 minutes from a store but i really need to resist, i know i do.
but fuck school. fuck statistics. fuck the numbers and how fucking particular that teacher is.
fuck my quickly dropping gpa, fuck my quickly growing debt.
i don't mean it. but it's happening and i can't stop it. there's two weeks left of classes.
i can't sleep in this apartment knowing that my computer screen is an arms length away.
i can't sleep knowing i'll only ever be able to see my brother again through pictures on the internet, through pictures on my walls.
my big brother is dead. my big brother is dead. my big brother is dead. my big brother is dead. my big brother is dead. my big brother is dead. my big brother is dead. my big brother is dead. my big brother is dead. my big brother is dead. my big brother is dead. my big brother is dead.
my big brother is gone.
i will never see his real face again.
- - - -
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| 2009 |
[29 Jan 2009|12:32am] |
coming up on a year in this condo in clackamas, or.
time keeps passing me up, man.
( &&& )
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[28 Jan 2009|11:19pm] |
feeling the need to document my very strange saturday.
so last saturday i woke up and somehow made it to work at 4 pm. i've been doing this new thing where i work out right before i go to work.
it's amazing for the simple fact that the endorphines in my brain are sparking up a storm by the time i get there and i end up charming all my tables into 20% tips, something rarely seen at chili's. so the hosties are telling me they sat me a 10 top but that i shouldn't be pissed because they're "really hot". i got slightly excited, i love dudes.
turns out it's this band:
we the kings.
never actually heard of them before, but the hosties figured it out right away due to the swarm of fifteen year olds standing outside the mall fence and staring for 30 mins. they played at hot topic, apparently. so that made me nervous, not to mention they were drinking their tall whiskey waters faster than i could ring them in and i was running around the restaurant like a chicken 86 head. they tip me 30 bucks and leave a signed postcard on the table that will probably be worth 5 bucks when i sell it back to the hosties.
sometime last year, my only other brush with band babes was when new found glory came in and the girl who served them chased them out into the mall for not tipping her at all.
work ends and i end up waiting 30 minutes for my drunk coworker to give me the alcohol she picked up for me earlier. it's my friends birthday and she's downtown. my boyfriend and his dude friends are down there too waiting to meet up. on the drive down, ashlee and pamela and i are taking shots of crown royal and we call the bday girl for directions and she's practically in tears because there was a shooting at the bar right across the street from where she's at. a drive by, nine people shot, two 16 year old girls killed. one was from clackamas (where i live), and another from peru as a foreign exchange student.
what creeps me out the most is that my bf was directly across the street and could have been shot if he'd walked outside to meet me 30 mins earlier. we still go, despite the fact that it starts snowing hardcore for the first time in 3 weeks. we get there, we chug beers and start dancing and then everyone disappears. tom and i are standing in the middle of a crappy club and i ask him to marry me in all seriousness.
it was the weirdest best stomach feeling i've ever felt.
we drink more and go home.
ps.
mixing porter with a shot of vanilla vodka is the most delicious drink ever.
try this one or black butte
mmmmmmm.
like starbucks.
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[16 Dec 2008|07:59pm] |
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mood |
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uptight & tipsy |
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music |
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meiko - boys with girlfriends. |
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( #$# )
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| knives don't have your back. |
[15 Dec 2008|10:41pm] |
almost done with the second book, which is much better than the first. my biology partner got me into this whole mess, ironically. she pirated the movie at school one day and i just wanted to see what the fuss was about. it makes me feel like a fifteen year old again. i'm not recommending it, unless you like fifteen year old drama and hotties. the movie is just full of hotties, left and right.
ahahahahahha. no one can top this hottie, tho.
oh cali, i've missed you.
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[30 Nov 2008|10:35pm] |
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mood |
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burnt out |
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music |
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ben folds and regina spektor - you don't know me. |
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hey guys!
it's been oh so long. something brought me back to this website and rereading old entries really made me miss it. it's so nice to read my old brain and perspectives and dramas. i wish i'd done it more consistently.
i always end up here after drinking a few. by myself.
the first step is to admit the problem --- right? anyway. i'm still in portland. it's been about 2 years now. i work at chili's in clackamas. been over a year on that. time just passes, doesn't it? i'm 22 now. i have a boyfriend, tom,
who i've been dating since last christmas. he's a sweet sweet dude. he's very sensitive though and that's been causing major problems lately. san diego didn't work out. i was wigging all last summer when i was there and i finally moved back by fall term. i'm a business major now, which sucks sweaty balls. accounting, statistics, business law all killed me. now i'm in trig and i want to quit. but there's never an easy route is there?
my dad has been helping me live on my own. i rent a really cute apartment, 1 bedroom, and i've been scared help me of sleeping alone lately. i want to move out with roommates but i haven't gotten around to it. living alone is therapy in some ways and in other ways it's hell.
i could use another drink. finals are next week. it's so easy to wait til the last night. i always put it off and it always ends badly.
I WILL PASS ALL OF THESE, I WILL PASS ALL OF THESE, I WILL!!!!!!
for old times sake,
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[02 Oct 2007|09:28am] |
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i'm 21 years old today! what the hell is going on.
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[07 May 2007|05:59pm] |
stop drinking coffee. work out more.
wake up earlier, sleep is for the weak.
and call renee!
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| #79 |
[16 Apr 2007|02:05pm] |
twenty credits in ten weeks. two jobs and a 4.0.
this is all going to pay off. this is all going to pay off. this is all going to pay off.
this is all going to pay off. this is all going to pay off. this is all going to pay off.
this is all going to pay off. this is all going to pay off. this is all going to pay off.
this is all going to pay off. this is all going to pay off. this is all going to pay off.
this is all going to pay off. this is all going to pay off. this is all going to pay off.
this is all going to pay off. this is all going to pay off. this is all going to pay off.
someone back me up on this.
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| what's up credit card. |
[24 Mar 2007|05:47pm] |
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music |
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atmosphere - nothin' but sunshine |
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so i got this amazing deal on a canon powershot. 349.99 dropped down to 240. but then i needed a memory card and batteries. and of course, i pass the ipod aisle and sort of need one of those. throw that 180$ plane ticket to san diego in there and i'm 600 dollars in debt.
but i got some cool shit. so whatever.
( APARTMENT LANDDD! )
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[12 Mar 2007|02:49pm] |
counting and counting and counting the days until i'm sleeping on a san diego beach with my beautiful friends beside me.
i love katie kurtz. i bought four fancy dresses and i've been having the most insane drunken time of my life. my apartment has turned into a 24/7 dance party and i love the world.
everything is good.
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[27 Feb 2007|07:30pm] |
good lordy,
katherine and her cousin vanessa came up to live with me for a whole week.
just about died, guys.
literally.
we all love lists, so:
- kath and van show up at my house at 11pm on a sunday night.
- we go on a journey through downtown portland to find my brother. park somewhere, wander around in katherine's fancy coats and run into him outside a noodle restaurant.
- buy a handle of captain morgan's and a handle of carlo rossi.
- drive to dan's house off glison street and drink half the rum, vanessa starts freestyling and katherine spills the contents of her stomach all over the bathroom. (she'll hate me for telling)
- drive our drunk asses home at 4 in the morning to be at work by 11.
- it's mardi gras, following katherine down my stairs only to watch her miss the last step and trip to her knees, bottle of carlo rossi in her hand. (REALLY gonna hate me)
- don't worry guys, it didn't break. make our way to lacey's house. drink shots and beers, talk about strip clubs and lacey gives us beads.
- stop at ross's house off division street. half a bottle of captain morgan to our faces, wine pong and then i blackout. getting half the party naked, making out with a tall guy, passing out on a couch, being carried to a car, waking up in my bed at 10 am having missed school.
- stressing my way through two tests and a speech. kath and van go to a show downtown and find this vegan donut shop which changed our lives.
- buy 45 beers for 15 dollars, lots of waiting and waiting and waiting on my brother.
- take half our beers to an apartment party at 12 am. katherine and liz make the worst beer pong partners ever. drink and sit and finally leave. i give vanessa boys and she shits all over them.
- work and school and work and school...
- drive to portland to find the life-changing donut shop, turn what should have been a 30 minute drive home into an hour and a half drive home. so lost. buy another handle of white wine and go back to my apartment.
- pick up marcus and start sleepover party. kings cup, pictures, brownies and sweatpants. we'll leave the rest out.
- work and school and work and school.
- pack a huge bag with beers and white wine and get ready. looking hotter than ever, drive to house off division street for ross's second party. tube top tuesday and scarf saturday all rolled into one. beers and dancing and tall dudes and black bouncers, katherine passing out in the car, vanessa making out in someone's house (and possibly ending up with naked pictures on the internet), renee and bryon calling my phone and crying my love to them outside the house. blackout again and switch spots with katherine.
- 5am, vanessa crashes into a pole and we all go flying. totals her car and gets it towed. pass out in the tow truck, a very long ride home. so many tears and bruises and sore body parts. drive vanessa to her car to get all of her shit (RIP JENNA JAMESON), drive them to the airport and say goodbye.
i have never felt so lonely.
:(
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[02 Feb 2007|09:31pm] |
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music |
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'lived in bars' - cat power. |
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things have gotten sort of insane. juggling two jobs, fifteen credits, doctor's appointments, workouts and all sorts of new friends around.
chili's is my new obsession. probably the funnest job i've had since abercrombie was one big happy friendly family. i worked my first friday night tonight and i ran my butt around that restaurant at least two hundred times. the line to get in was out the door. people were throwing tables and food and kids menus around like the world was going to end.
i was loving every minute of it.
i didn't go to school today and felt bad about it. i paid the rent. i'm working on a speech about veganism.
spanish club is the geekiest thing i've ever joined and i'm all about it. we're all raising money to go to barcelona this summer.
i finally don't feel like a huge loner at school anymore. i know people and see them around and stuff.
i made this really good friend named katie kurtz. and this guy from my math class, sean grizzwald, and i have become masters at beer pong.
my feet are killing me.
AS FOR KATHERINE:
the end of february would be FANTASTIC for a visit.
i'm so ready and so excited and we've got a lot of good people, places and things to see.
i lovvvee you.
( PS )
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[28 Jan 2007|02:17am] |
plans:
i'm totally trying to go to barcelona this summer with ccc.
it's expensive but so gorgeous.
i'm also totally trying to be fluent in espanol. and french.
maybe take a couple salsa lessons.
and move to brazil.
let's see how this goes.
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